Birthday 2013

Your birthday, at 2013.

My first for 2013, in this blog.

I lost all the chances and courage to wish you a Happy Birthday, 

so ya, I didn't.

Anyway, I doubt that you need the greeting from me, you are pretty happy now, with your group of friends. Those that are always there, to organize and meet you out. 

I am not jealous, but honestly yes I envy them. 

They just able to take your attention.

Anyway, it shouldn't be bothering me any further. 

Which I decided not to think about how our relationship should develop, I will just leave everything behind, memories.

Mr.Nod Guy, 

I pray for you, bless the best for you,

I shouldn't be tied by you,

I am going to live for myself.

Wish you a blast~

 

想太多

真的是我想太多嗎？

我真的就因爲很年輕所以就不用怕嗎？

不肯 | 不要 | 不想 | 不屑

永遠都連爭取的機會都沒有！

永遠是要徹底的崩潰！

永遠只能一個人

我是真的很想從頭開始的！

我真的、真的、真的渴望著的！

但。。。還是沒能成功，不是嗎？

你會站在誰那邊呢？

一定不是我，對嗎？

因爲，我從來沒有資格。。。

我轉身離開，心裏頭默念著被留下的話，

可就算我已經能看見路的盡頭，我依舊只能往前走。

我也想找個人好好疼我、顧我，

讓我知道即使我再強悍、再倔強，

依然有個他陪著我。

想 | 夢

我一定能實現自己的夢想，

一定能去得了！

到時，請別讓我被牽絆著了！

My Place~

爲什麽沒人來愛我？

我永遠尋不到這問題的答案。

原來不是因爲我一直放不下對他的感情，

而是我本來就不是別人會看上眼的那種女人，

原來。。。真的是我所以不可行！

I put in all my efforts, looking for the right partner, right friend, right companion,

but at last everything just don't goes by my way, and I really mean everything.

I can't find a place that I can escape from, I am stucked here, 

like a bird missing the wide, big sky. 

I would rather break my wings than being trapped in a cage, 

however when my wings regrown again, I lost my way in the sky.

I have been saying that I am still young to worry over this issue, but when time is clocking there is no such thing of young forever. 

一個人，都是一個人

那些說過會陪伴我的人，每每在我崩潰時卻尋不到他們的身影

我不是想逃避，只是想學會面對

面對這殘忍的現實，面對這不用明説的待遇，面對這幼稚可笑的説法

我走了，遠離了

就連自己都快消失在這黑暗裏，連自己都希望心臟不再跳動

所以。。。我打算遠走了

Hey, Mr.Nod Guy

I have just realized myself few days back, you're still existing in my heart. Just when your name was mentioned by a stranger whom barely knows you, when my existence was put together with you. Or should I be happier people remembered me together with you? But do you know, I can't smile over it. I wanted to run away from that, just like how you escaped from me few years back, few years back. I guess I can understand why I ain't your first choice not even a back-up, I guess it's really my problem, mine. You will be fine, happy, blessed. Because I passed all my lucks to people whom I loved the most, cared the most. Then when you, Jessica, Xiujing, Jordan, my family, my colleagues are all blessed, I guess that should be the time I left everyone. I have to find a place for myself as well, but I know that place isn't beside anyone whom I loved or cared, that place will only accept me, alone. I will wish for everyone, every single one. 

I know, I promised myself that stop drinking and partying, but yet I still went and keep wanting to go again. 

I know, I can't control my urge that pull me away from you further and further, but yet I still felt happy and relax after going.

I know, I shouldn't be the one who say the most yet do the least, but yet I still hoping for a new start. 

Yes, I know! Trust me, I know!

However, I also know no matter how much I controlled myself, refraining myself, you might know but at the same time also resisting me. 

I keep writing our story, keep trying my best to not forget how I first fell for you, but also I can't make myself to forget how hurting it is of not being with you. 

I really wish I have the courage to share with you my problems, but when I typed whatever I wanted you to know, I deleted it away the next second. 

I don't know if you will think I am trying to pester you again, I don't know if you even bothered to reply, I don't know if you care about it, I don't know........

I tried, very hard and painfully but still I tried. 

I kept myself occupied, I convinced myself to stay put, I told myself stories, I held back.

However, I am trapped.

I sincerely hoping for a change, but I couldn't be that selfish to only think of myself, 

can't be I am suffering that's why I am making another to suffer as well, it is so not right. 

What more excuses can I give myself to get everything back to normal?

Or am I the one who do not welcome the old Daphne back?

So no matter how hard the old Daphne tried, she still can't return.

Move on

Yes, I am moving on.

Give up

Yes, I am giving up.

Does my stubbornness caused any harm to anyone except myself?

Or you should rather phrase in this way,

my stubbornness caused inconvenience to someone?

For that, I got to admit. 

Indeed I have caused plenty of troubles to them/him.

Last year, I spent my day full of alcohol.

Because I believed it somehow made me stopped thinking of him,

but of course, it failed.

So this year, no matter how much I craved, I will tell myself, 

"Daphne, you know you always mean what you said! You promised yourself that you are not going to touch any of it, so please mean it like always. You are a woman of word, please don't ashamed yourself. Endure through and freed yourself after that, after the date you set."

Despite how much painful memories you created, there are beautiful and happy memories presenting too.

No matter how harsh your words sounded like, there are caring and thoughtful actions done too.

Even if you ain't by my side, there are things belonged to you accompanying me too.

At least it makes me feel your presence. 

I can't be greedy, when I called the shots to keep my vow.

I mustn't be stubborn, when I knew the path doesn't belongs to me.

I needn't be sad, when I foreseen the answer to be intact again. 

Maybe after this year, things will turn better.

This what I have been telling myself over the years,

but did things really turn better?

I am left uncertain and clueless too.

我一直都问你，为什么那个人不能是我？

其实我应该问问自己，为什么那个人要是你？

祝我自己

生日快乐

Today, I finally realized how difficult is it to make the person you love fall in love on you too. 

A totally difficult task. 

So after all I have put in, nothing come back.

OH, maybe there is something. 

Memories

I never expect myself turning to 22 in a week time still devastating over the past,

or is it really because my birthday is drawing near that's why I can't get over?

I thought I made myself to put everything behind me,

I thought I told myself not to dwell over the incident,

I thought I pull myself up after what happened,

I thought, really thought..

None of the gifts are what I want.

Why ask when none can get me what I yearn?

Why give when none know what I truly want?

Why celebrate when none is the one I hope?

Why-Why-Why

This isn't the first time, definitely not the last either.

How many times must I always repeat this till I can also finally realized how foolish am I?

I returned to write.

Back to the story I am supposed to leave incomplete.

And then, the memories flashed back too.

From the story title till present.

How long can I still write this story?

 Or rather how long will I take to complete this story?

Funny - when I asked why should I change?

Foolish - when I decided to change.

Fearless - when I regained my courage

It will just follow, non stopping

Mr.Nod Guy,
I wonder if you will remember the day this year.No matter how much I tell myself to replace you with another, memories with you definitely strike and make me turn. So I believe, unless I close my heart to you I will able to continue on. 

After so many years, after so much of experience gained, after so much effort put in, I am still the stubborn little girl whom thought I can win everytime.

Without knowing, I am just an adult with stubborn thoughts.

Without knowing, I lost every precious thing because of those stubborn thoughts.

Without knowing, I stood at the same position few years back.

Who says time can allow one to forget the person he/she loved the most?

Who says pain will be heal as time goes by?

Who says when love approached grab it with your full strength will do?

Who says one must face his/her heart sincerely?

Who says?

The only best thing I can praise about myself is,

I am able to find ways convincing myself.

No matter what, I have ways to tell myself I am still able to hold on, I can't collapse any moment, I still got to hang in there.

I can't bring myself to grumble anything, because there is no one by my side to listen all my complains.

I knew it on the day I decided.

I foreseen that I will suffer, get hurt, continue waiting, believing, lost the battle.

But I also known, whatever I done are all worth it.

All because that person worth it.

Thanks, it made me wake my senses up clearly.

Finally a clean-cut answer given, so I am going to work hard for it.

But I have this intuition that after I changed, you will changed too.

No matter what will happen, I am willing to try.

Four years ain't short, just enough to love you and get back an answer.