Birthday 2013

Your birthday, at 2013.

My first for 2013, in this blog.

I lost all the chances and courage to wish you a Happy Birthday, 

so ya, I didn't.

Anyway, I doubt that you need the greeting from me, you are pretty happy now, with your group of friends. Those that are always there, to organize and meet you out. 

I am not jealous, but honestly yes I envy them. 

They just able to take your attention.

Anyway, it shouldn't be bothering me any further. 

Which I decided not to think about how our relationship should develop, I will just leave everything behind, memories.

Mr.Nod Guy, 

I pray for you, bless the best for you,

I shouldn't be tied by you,

I am going to live for myself.

Wish you a blast~

 

想太多

真的是我想太多嗎？

我真的就因爲很年輕所以就不用怕嗎？

不肯 | 不要 | 不想 | 不屑

永遠都連爭取的機會都沒有！

永遠是要徹底的崩潰！

永遠只能一個人

我是真的很想從頭開始的！

我真的、真的、真的渴望著的！

但。。。還是沒能成功，不是嗎？

你會站在誰那邊呢？

一定不是我，對嗎？

因爲，我從來沒有資格。。。

我轉身離開，心裏頭默念著被留下的話，

可就算我已經能看見路的盡頭，我依舊只能往前走。

我也想找個人好好疼我、顧我，

讓我知道即使我再強悍、再倔強，

依然有個他陪著我。

想 | 夢

我一定能實現自己的夢想，

一定能去得了！

到時，請別讓我被牽絆著了！

My Place~

爲什麽沒人來愛我？

我永遠尋不到這問題的答案。

原來不是因爲我一直放不下對他的感情，

而是我本來就不是別人會看上眼的那種女人，

原來。。。真的是我所以不可行！

I put in all my efforts, looking for the right partner, right friend, right companion,

but at last everything just don't goes by my way, and I really mean everything.

I can't find a place that I can escape from, I am stucked here, 

like a bird missing the wide, big sky. 

I would rather break my wings than being trapped in a cage, 

however when my wings regrown again, I lost my way in the sky.

I have been saying that I am still young to worry over this issue, but when time is clocking there is no such thing of young forever. 

一個人，都是一個人

那些說過會陪伴我的人，每每在我崩潰時卻尋不到他們的身影

我不是想逃避，只是想學會面對

面對這殘忍的現實，面對這不用明説的待遇，面對這幼稚可笑的説法

我走了，遠離了

就連自己都快消失在這黑暗裏，連自己都希望心臟不再跳動

所以。。。我打算遠走了

Hey, Mr.Nod Guy

I have just realized myself few days back, you're still existing in my heart. Just when your name was mentioned by a stranger whom barely knows you, when my existence was put together with you. Or should I be happier people remembered me together with you? But do you know, I can't smile over it. I wanted to run away from that, just like how you escaped from me few years back, few years back. I guess I can understand why I ain't your first choice not even a back-up, I guess it's really my problem, mine. You will be fine, happy, blessed. Because I passed all my lucks to people whom I loved the most, cared the most. Then when you, Jessica, Xiujing, Jordan, my family, my colleagues are all blessed, I guess that should be the time I left everyone. I have to find a place for myself as well, but I know that place isn't beside anyone whom I loved or cared, that place will only accept me, alone. I will wish for everyone, every single one. 

I know, I promised myself that stop drinking and partying, but yet I still went and keep wanting to go again. 

I know, I can't control my urge that pull me away from you further and further, but yet I still felt happy and relax after going.

I know, I shouldn't be the one who say the most yet do the least, but yet I still hoping for a new start. 

Yes, I know! Trust me, I know!

However, I also know no matter how much I controlled myself, refraining myself, you might know but at the same time also resisting me. 

I keep writing our story, keep trying my best to not forget how I first fell for you, but also I can't make myself to forget how hurting it is of not being with you. 

I really wish I have the courage to share with you my problems, but when I typed whatever I wanted you to know, I deleted it away the next second. 

I don't know if you will think I am trying to pester you again, I don't know if you even bothered to reply, I don't know if you care about it, I don't know........

I tried, very hard and painfully but still I tried. 

I kept myself occupied, I convinced myself to stay put, I told myself stories, I held back.

However, I am trapped.

I sincerely hoping for a change, but I couldn't be that selfish to only think of myself, 

can't be I am suffering that's why I am making another to suffer as well, it is so not right. 

What more excuses can I give myself to get everything back to normal?

Or am I the one who do not welcome the old Daphne back?

So no matter how hard the old Daphne tried, she still can't return.

Move on

Yes, I am moving on.

Give up

Yes, I am giving up.

Does my stubbornness caused any harm to anyone except myself?

Or you should rather phrase in this way,

my stubbornness caused inconvenience to someone?

For that, I got to admit. 

Indeed I have caused plenty of troubles to them/him.

Last year, I spent my day full of alcohol.

Because I believed it somehow made me stopped thinking of him,

but of course, it failed.

So this year, no matter how much I craved, I will tell myself, 

"Daphne, you know you always mean what you said! You promised yourself that you are not going to touch any of it, so please mean it like always. You are a woman of word, please don't ashamed yourself. Endure through and freed yourself after that, after the date you set."

Despite how much painful memories you created, there are beautiful and happy memories presenting too.

No matter how harsh your words sounded like, there are caring and thoughtful actions done too.

Even if you ain't by my side, there are things belonged to you accompanying me too.

At least it makes me feel your presence. 

I can't be greedy, when I called the shots to keep my vow.

I mustn't be stubborn, when I knew the path doesn't belongs to me.

I needn't be sad, when I foreseen the answer to be intact again. 

Maybe after this year, things will turn better.

This what I have been telling myself over the years,

but did things really turn better?

I am left uncertain and clueless too.

我一直都问你，为什么那个人不能是我？

其实我应该问问自己，为什么那个人要是你？

祝我自己

生日快乐

Today, I finally realized how difficult is it to make the person you love fall in love on you too. 

A totally difficult task. 

So after all I have put in, nothing come back.

OH, maybe there is something. 

Memories

I never expect myself turning to 22 in a week time still devastating over the past,

or is it really because my birthday is drawing near that's why I can't get over?

I thought I made myself to put everything behind me,

I thought I told myself not to dwell over the incident,

I thought I pull myself up after what happened,

I thought, really thought..

None of the gifts are what I want.

Why ask when none can get me what I yearn?

Why give when none know what I truly want?

Why celebrate when none is the one I hope?

Why-Why-Why

This isn't the first time, definitely not the last either.

How many times must I always repeat this till I can also finally realized how foolish am I?

I returned to write.

Back to the story I am supposed to leave incomplete.

And then, the memories flashed back too.

From the story title till present.

How long can I still write this story?

 Or rather how long will I take to complete this story?

Funny - when I asked why should I change?

Foolish - when I decided to change.

Fearless - when I regained my courage

It will just follow, non stopping

Mr.Nod Guy,
I wonder if you will remember the day this year.No matter how much I tell myself to replace you with another, memories with you definitely strike and make me turn. So I believe, unless I close my heart to you I will able to continue on. 

After so many years, after so much of experience gained, after so much effort put in, I am still the stubborn little girl whom thought I can win everytime.

Without knowing, I am just an adult with stubborn thoughts.

Without knowing, I lost every precious thing because of those stubborn thoughts.

Without knowing, I stood at the same position few years back.

Who says time can allow one to forget the person he/she loved the most?

Who says pain will be heal as time goes by?

Who says when love approached grab it with your full strength will do?

Who says one must face his/her heart sincerely?

Who says?

The only best thing I can praise about myself is,

I am able to find ways convincing myself.

No matter what, I have ways to tell myself I am still able to hold on, I can't collapse any moment, I still got to hang in there.

I can't bring myself to grumble anything, because there is no one by my side to listen all my complains.

I knew it on the day I decided.

I foreseen that I will suffer, get hurt, continue waiting, believing, lost the battle.

But I also known, whatever I done are all worth it.

All because that person worth it.

Thanks, it made me wake my senses up clearly.

Finally a clean-cut answer given, so I am going to work hard for it.

But I have this intuition that after I changed, you will changed too.

No matter what will happen, I am willing to try.

Four years ain't short, just enough to love you and get back an answer.

The last day of 2011

I am still single, I am still awaiting for a person, I am still wandering.

No matter how many wishes I made, no matter how much tears I shed, no matter how much pain I suffered, when it come to a decision I am always not in it.

I did a lot in 2011,

I tried too hard in 2011,

I fell too much in 2011,

but I grumble less in 2011,

but I waver less in 2011,

but I cry less in 2011,

so how's my 2011?

The tradition continues, but my stubborness follows too.

I really wonder how can the person tolerate so much about my character?

And why didn't the person manage to reveal his true feelings?

Or rather is it my mistake?

It is the fourth year after an hour,

but I am taking too long to realize it.

It is the third year after an hour,

but I am thinking over it again.

It is the second year after an hour,

but I am reluctant to admit it.

It is the first year after an hour,

but I am uncertain for it.

I don't expect much in 2012, since my wish fulfilled for 2011.

I will just wish for a little and let the nature take it course.

I know, that person shouldn't be in my dictionary anymore.

I can figure it out now before everything is wrong again.

A BRAND NEW YEAR BEGINS~

Mr. Nod guy,
I hope you will be fine and happy. :)

又回到最初的起點
記憶中妳青澀的臉
我們終於來到了這一天
桌墊下的老照片無數回憶連結
今天男孩要赴女孩最後的約

又回到最初的起點
呆呆地站在鏡子前
笨拙繫上紅色領帶的結
將頭髮梳成大人模樣
穿上一身帥氣西裝
等會兒見妳一定比想像美好

想再回到那些年的時光
回到教室座位前後　
故意討妳溫柔的罵
黑板上排列組合　
妳捨得解開嗎
誰與誰坐他又愛著她

那些年錯過的大雨
那些年錯過的愛情
好想擁抱妳　
擁抱錯過的勇氣

曾經想征服全世界
到最後回首才發現
這世界滴滴點點全部都是妳

那些年錯過的大雨
那些年錯過的愛情
好想告訴妳　告訴妳我沒有忘記

那天晚上滿天星星
平行時空下的約定
再一次相遇我會緊緊抱著妳
緊緊抱著妳

10 Years

17/11/2011

10 years

I bet none of us willing to rake this date up right now, since we are far apart each other in the situation now.

I think, it will be better we just put everything deep in heart and stop probing over it anymore.

I.... am trying my best to change it, hoping that I did changed some.

I said, everyone will leave my side.

I always know what will happen, and always spotted on.

I.... never failed to feel alone.

This ain't a day for us to shed, it is a day to cheers for our friendship.

So I can have a ten-years, something that even I found it unbelieveable.

Then, will I have another ten-years ahead?

How long more will it reach that ten-years?

How much more must I put in for that ten-years?

How deep should I go to fulfil that ten-years?

I try, tried, trying.

I cry, cried, crying.

I run, ran, running.

But as usual, none pull me back, none accompany me, none understand me.

Therefore, I kept it to myself.

I kept everything in my heart.

So that no one can hurt me or heal me.

It is the first tenth!

I hope the second tenth will not be alone. =)

HAPPY TENTH ANNIVERSARY~

Mr.Nod guy,
it has been some time since I last mentioned you, but still so what or not I mentioned? Because you won't get a chance to see it.
I miss you almost every moment, but you didn't seems to know or rather, I didn't want you to know.
I have been trying, as always.
If you can know, please praise me. Because I can already got you out of my dictionary whenever people asked if I like anyone.
I knew very well, no matter how much I changed, how hard I tried, you will never change, so I decided to change me.
I will try not to love you anymore.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY~~~

Not that we didn't keep in contact, not that we didn't know each other enough, not that we didn't feel the sadness.

But still, what had past really past.

I know I promised you that I will be happy,

but as what I told you, sorry I really can't make it.

I have been trying my best to refrain, nevertheless did I try to cross over again.

However, to what you understand me, it is really hard to get over.

No matter what, when the time strike 12am in your clock I sent the mail over,

whatever I want to tell you is in the mail. :)

I am living my life great, you know I seldom complain over it.

But one thing I wanted to wish,

I don't want anything to spolit my plan.

Every year, we will buy each other a present.

This year, I bought you a watch and I bought myself a diary on your behalf.

When you are looking at my time I am actually writing down my life, I hope the next time we give each other the present, will be the time I start over again.

Then I will give you my diary to keep it for me.

我会幸福的！

因为，我还没有绝望。

而你，不要绝望！

因为，你还没有幸福。

I remember telling myself: "he seriously don't know how you feel, because if he does, he will know how to treat you better." But the fact is: "hey! Wake this up! It's because he knew everything, that's why he keep a distance from you."

So, a angel-devil match started. No one gives me an answer. And surprisingly, I just spilt the beans like this. Without any warning, without any signs or symptoms.

I remembered how he protected me in the movie, I remembered the first trembling act while sleeping beside him, I remembered the piano piece he played for me, I remembered my every confession and his rejection, I remembered how he got angry over the smoking together issue, I remembered how upset am I after his rejection, I remembered writing our story down every single day, I remembered the feeling when walking passed those places where we once been, I remembered seeing he and his ex appearing in front of me and asked for my help, I remembered almost accepted another man to forget him, I remembered.........

I guess, I remembered too much. And all these, became 'past-tense'. I used him as my vow, that's why I got to face it. Despite he is the vow, I doubt we have any chance of being together. Even if the two years' date approach, I am still one-sided feeling. I don't belong to him, neither am I in his world. My strong-willed turned useless when I known him. I still overcoming it, maybe I won't listen but at least I knew I am working on it. It is not that I love him a lot, is because I can't find another one. So.. I am only allowed to love him.

-----------another one in the diary------------

GREAT SHOW!
新还珠格格

I never tried to take China guy as my idol, but this guy really attracted my attention and I spent my time just to watch the show. =DDD
永琪和小燕子~~~

The story-line made me thought of the two-years promise,
despite it is a promise I made with myself, but I knew the outcome even before the thought appeared.



I am working hard, always did.

So please, grant me.

I won't want my vow to be broken.

Mr. Nod guy,

I have been telling and warning myself it is really time to say goodbye, but nevertheless I just couldn't convince myself of doing so.

It is simply that special till I actually thinking over and over it non-stop, till I realised whatever I did will never change your mind, I should feel sorry for myself.

Instead, I should really feel sorry.

Time passed fast.

It is the third year after my confession, and it had been two months since we last seen.

How do you feel when knowing the new relationship?

I hope similar thing can happen on me too.

However, it seems hard.

I just hope to change my life so that I won't make myself difficult,

but now I am just waiting, or rather always waiting.

Waiting for a chance to start over again.

July 22nd, the fourth.

All thanks to your friends, I hardly able to forget the day, or rather I dun want myself to realise that the day drawing near.
I know it ain't you the one who asked them to do so, they are just unconvinced that we were apart, they just hope for a miracle.
Never realized that we couldn't be like how we were four years back,
I guess even you knew it long ago.

You told me, there is always a position for me beside you.
but do you know I am so afraid to be by someone side now?
I am confused too.
Why must I doubt myself?
Funny eh?!

差一点我们可能就会步入红毯，
差一点我们可能就会白头到老，
差一点我们可能就会幸福快乐，
全部。。。都是差一点

我很少落泪，
因为我觉得眼泪不能化解我心里的痛。
我很少悲伤，
因为我觉得伤心似乎不适合我的个性。
我很少诉苦，
因为我觉得自己的伤悲不需要被知道。

但是，
原来我只是找不到。
我也好像，无力寻找了。

有你的四年，我被你保护着。
没有你的四年，我得学会保护自己。
被你爱着的九年，我更明白爱情。
抛弃你的爱的九年，我忘记了爱情的感觉。

我没有了你，所以更要懂得欢乐。

HAPPY 4TH ANNIVERSARY~~

I remembered when the clock striked 12 on this date,
last year I used another guy trying to forget your presence.
And so this year, I got myself alone.
No one here to tell me what is the right choice, only left myself to choose the path.
So was it the right path? I am lost too.

I guess I didnt disappoint you,
since you and me chosen not to be a whole stranger situation, therefore I am working hard towards our target.
I know it gonna be tough for me indeed, however I rather put in the effort in trying than facing the facts that I am out of your world.

At least before I give up anything, I know I should refrain.
If not, things will go haywire.
The promise, I kept inside my heart and locked it up.
I just uncertain if I am able to do so, because if I used three years to love you, I should be using three years to forget you.
However, the fact is I can only keep saying and not really doing it.

It is not the first I dreamt of you,
but after so long till this dream came,
does it own a meaning??
Or just simply pity me??

Three years aint short, of course not that long too.
It able to change lots of things, but can it really change the heart?
Instead, I am using myself to prove this saying.
Prove to myself that my true love trampled by a guy I loved,
but he did gave me smile, it was just that my saddness were more than happiness.

The sky I have been looking at, intend to drifting apart from me.
I unable to hold it tight, because the tighter I hold onto, the more it wanted to escape.
I might be rational, but aint hard hearted.

So it finally announced that I had graduated from RP, a school where I had been in three years, a place where changed me from a little girl to a young lady, a corner where I found my friends, a path which I see myself clearer and understand myself better.

In RP, I known people who walked in and out of my life, I recognized those who will stay, and for those who do not stayed behind, I am still grateful of meeting you.
I am already pursuing my dream I have ever since young,
but nevertheless after studying in RP, I intend to think of applying my knowledge or maybe familiar stuffs on the same field. However, I couldn't make it.
Just like I couldn't make it for NIE neither will I able to make it for SIM - Environmental Studies

Today, when I am sitting on the seat of graduand, I suddenly thinking of the first time I stepped into RP, the first day of school, the first person I met, the first crush I had, the first tear I shed, the first joy I gained, the first obstacle I faced, the first thing I learnt. Everything all FIRST, but in that moment I finally realized, everything had came to an end.

No more FIRST, only CONTINUE.

I am always a step further than you, or rather I always make myself step further away from you, so that I wont make any mistakes again, and so I wont feel any pain anymore.
I am working hard on it, just like what you wanted me to do so. Despite giving up ain't in my dictionary, unless I call the shots. Now, I guess I am ready to say "bye" firmly and without any hesitation.

I let my happiness fly, because if I can't find a reason to make myself feel happy of, I dun think I can hold any happiness.
It is either too difficult or too simple.
In my world, YES is YES, NO is NO
There shouldn't be something dangling over, waver my heart, change my mind.




Mr.Nod guy,
now I know it isn't I changed, neither did you changed me,
I am always like this. None able to change me, unless I take the move.
I await for a relationship, but awaiting a person whom understand me well is hard. Because I intend to lost control of myself too.
All the hardship finally came to an end, even though I know you won't be reading it but I still must say the last time.
I felt the pain every moment I look at you, but the pain indeed reduce much now, so I concluded I am doing well in forgetting everything.
:D

15th April 2011
My 21st,
no grand celebration only went to meet Jessica darling.. =D

Thanks to your friends, whom came to fetch me out for supper,
thanks to your email, which allowed me to stop thinking too much,
thanks to the postage, that made me knew I am not forgotten..

Jordan didnt even give me a message or greeting on FB,
Sikai didnt do anything too..
HAH! Must I always get affected by guys??
Or will I always hold back by guys??

So, even I keep telling myself that I am able to wait,
when reality strike me down, I still got face it..

I took my dream and relationship on risk,
I vowed..
So please grant me, never take anything away.. Seven years ago, you took away someone, seven years later, please dun..

1st of April 2011

Because if I have a chance, I always want time return back to that year, with all of you beside me.. These few days I am thinking, maybe it was because the first person left me so there will be second one then third one.. Which left me with no choice and stay alone..

I promised I wont blame myself over the incident anymore, but everytime I will think that I bring bad luck to others.. First was David, then Calvin followed by Yi Qiang now?? I bring troubles to Jessica's family and also my family, I am really a jinx no matter what should be the way I try to convince myself I am not one!

So April started, which makes 2011 four months lesser.. How should I feel turning 21?? I guess nothing changed, because I am still that rational, that logical.. Of course, the age of 21 shouldnt be any childish, at the same time I do lack of the courage..

I told myself, why will I decided to plan a celebration and invite him when he dun even has any idea when is my birthday?? So I dun want a celebration.. Or maybe I dun need a celebration..

This post I wanted to reminisces the past, when I first known David and Calvin's birthday is on April Fool, when my birthday was the day of David's death, when I cant find the present I thinking of the past few years, when........ there is no one by my side anymore..

每年，我都特别感伤。

今年，我却特别痛苦。

以后，我会怎样呢？

9th March 2011

When everyone is talking about their 21st birthday, my dearest darling spending her time in the hospital,

but I know, angels will be there to celebrate her birthday for her..

Because she is working very well and hard for everything,

each breath is an earn, and she made it, all by herself..

Darling, you have been so strong and brave..

We been through so much together, I understand you better than others, I know your character too,

never give up and admit defeat always exist in our dictionary,

this time I got influenced by you,

you fought the battle all by yourself, I guess it marks another meaningful issue in your life story and also to me..

I should have convince myself earlier,

I should have know that waiting hurt myself,

I should have realized, everything is too late,

I should have...... say GOODBYE earlier..

Darling, you gave up everything to exchange your health..

It is probably my turn to give up something to return the vow,

because, I rather grab you than insist on the person whom dun belongs to me..

Mr.Nod guy,
bye..
I will keep everything deep inside my heart from now, even though I know it wont happen but if there is any mircale that strike it to happen, I guess the answer will not change..
You are the reason I rejected each one, but you arent the person that will hold me tightly,
I am just not ready for another one..
The last time I shed my tears was on 31st December 2010,
when I walked along the path, when I lost the bet, when I woke up my senses, when I vowed..
I hope, the next time I saw my tears it is not for you..
Bye, Mr.Nod guy..
You know who am I, but I changed because you knew it..