SORRY~~~~

I know you wont blame me, but please accept my apology, I beg you..

I really made a grave mistake today, I cant even forgive myself thus it wont be forgotten too..

I dunno if it will still continue, but I hope whatever I did will not hurt anyone again..

When the clock strike 12 yesterday, I am on my way down to YQ's house,

watching the digital clock going minute by minute, my heart went up and down till it hits 12 I finally realised the time was here..

YQ looked at me and smiled, but I took out my handphone and looking at the pictures,

it was tough and I had been through for so long..

What should I do??

Till 3plus then I finally able to sleep down but woke up at 5.45am this morning, naturally just wake up, YQ didnt disturb me and no alarm clock ringing..

I sat at the living room for more than an hour before YQ woke up too and off we go for breakfast, the most crucial part came..

This was also the thing I had been planning and keep silent, I dunno how to tell too..

I was at Changi Airport at the time of 9.30am this morning, the first flight that came was at 10.15am and was going over to Taiwan..

I spent my time sitting at T3, heard the announcements, watched the flights time, and think about my decision..

In total, I had missed 7 flights..

To Taiwan, to Japan, to Korea, to Australia..

YEAH, I planned to leave without a word..

I know this thought is bad, therefore I am here to apologise despite I knew hurt had already formed..

YQ was happy when he first heard this plan, but deep in heart he knew, I could never get over my heart, he just followed whatever I said..

SORRY, please forgive me~~~~

He didnt blame me, just simply accompanied me and keep asking me to relax..

I wanted to call my sisters and friends, he said better not since I haven make any decisions yet, what if at last I didnt want to do anything??

YEAH, he spotted on!!!!

I really didnt do anything..

WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE??

I HURT SOMEONE THAT I CHERISHED THE MOST!!!!

PLEASE SENT ME DOWN TO HELL OR SOMEWHERE EXCEPT HERE..

I DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHTS TO DO SUCH THINGS ON ANYONE!!!

PLEASE PUNISH ME!!!!!

‘离开’不属于我们。

‘相守’太遥不可及。

八年前，你的出现变成了我人生中第三个男人。

三年前，你的告白让我明白原来‘爱’可以感动一切。

现在，我们应该找回失去的勇气来面对这一切，

当初我能放手让你走，现在就不该摇摆不定。

就让彼此冷静地想想，未来的路是不是非得要对方才是完成的。

*no promise but not now*

Firstly, BLOOD DONATION for me FAILED, it was my first attempt and unfulfilled..
After I finished all my registeration, they said I couldnt donate.. =(

YQ said, it doesnt matter can go anytime if I still insist of donating and he can go with me too for the next time..

=DDDDD

Secondly, SUSHI made but I dun like this dun like that..

Seaweed too thick cannot, rice not nice cannot, ingredients too little cannot,

I guess till the end I will need to go and buy on the spot instead of home-made it..

=DDDDDD

I am still not suitable in kitchen..

Thirdly, NARUTO is superb~~~~~~~~~~~

The upcoming episodes will be even better!!!!!!

=DDDDD

Watched it made my life turns back to the past,

feels the same pain and torture like how they described it..

THANKS, I choose to say nothing..

So kindly bury the memories and choose another way..

Because I am not gonna be at there anymore..

Birds fly high,

hard to catch.

Friend like you,

hard to find.

A poem that we had been listening ever since young, around my generation the 90s..

Out of a sudden, I just recalled it and blog about it..

=DDDDD

Friendship and relationship are almost similar,

need mutual trust, communication and a little bit of FATE~~~

-----------RANDOM-------------

I also hope myself can like throw tantrum, at least dun be such optimistic everytime..

It is not consider as bad, but sometime too rational for me..

Just as if I do not have any emotions, whatever happened just let it over and return to the crazy DAPHNE..

Put in simple words, I am just a heartless and cold-blooded human..

My friends said I too violent, that is why my laptop will spoilt, I also dun wish it to happen but what to do, it just happened lo!!!!

They said going to buy me laptop for my birthday this year, so NICE right??

But I dun need it, cause I had one at home already..

=DDDDD

The day is drawing near, my heart goes up and down..

I know it is a MUST, but what if I didnt manage to do it??

There is no one there to tell me what to do, there is nothing for me to guide on,

all depend on ME, alone..

男朋友：“妳的一切，我无不熟悉。就算失去了记忆，可是感觉依然清晰！”

女朋友：“那，你还记得和我的约定吗？”

男朋友：“什么？我们有过什么约定吗？”

女朋友：“你。。。还是忘记了！”

男孩往前走，女孩倒退一步，可是后头已经没路让女孩退了。

女孩放得开吗？

她自己都糊涂了。。。

*I just scared dun have the strength to return back to you*

Firstly, my music corner have some problems, and it is not working made me super duper fed up now!!!

Even YQ also dunno what to do, so I gave up, and those stupid videos encounter problems too, so I couldnt watch shows from the website must search from YOUTUBE..

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~~~~~

Secondly, all thanks to YQ because he didnt want to drive down to VIVO city due to the heavy traffic and long waiting time for carpark lots, so I couldnt bought the vinegar I want from DAISO and then I am angry too..

Therefore, in YQ's opinion I am going to look older before my birthday comes..

YEAH, because I had been throwing temper this few days, alot alot of times..

=DDDDDDD

Universal Studio in Singapore..

I wanna go but the entrance fee is so "attractive", even though YQ said going to treat me on my birthday, but doubt I will go cause most of the facilities not suitable for me..

Over exciting, over scary, over childish, over attractive..

Everything all OVER, therefore I am not suppose to be there..

=DDDDDD

"This is not the way it should be, there sure be other ways for us to choose.."

When I breakdown in front of YQ few days back, he told me this and console me throughout, super complicated feelings that day..

At his house, friends outside going crazy I alone in his room,

reading our story that I sent him, nevertheless the flashbacks appeared..

Look look look, read read read,

maybe this was why I cried, unconsciously but truly..

April Fool around the corner, means my birthday coming too, grow older

I guess I have alternate feelings, meaning??

Last year I still didnt feel much about that incident, but why this year the feelings come closer and closer, deeper and deeper??

Dun wish to see myself trap in the past so much, so after crying feel alot better..

=DDDDDD

This few days often reach home pretty late or even didnt go home, stay overnight at YQ's house because he seems to be very free now, so I keep him accompany, dunno why but I just do it..

Maybe I just afraid our time is not enough, therefore I turned so emotional too..

He treated me very well, just to secure my heart which I desire for long, but I also know this wont last any longer..

Anyway, just wanna blog..

Cause today is the 22nd, YEAH so fast till in the afternoon after calling him then I realised today is the 22nd..

As usual, he do remember but didnt want to remind me just asked me to fork time out,

no wonder he cooked today and there is no one at home when I reached..

32nd month, I didnt know it can be so long till I counted it,

how many more 32 months can we been through??

So, HAPPY 32nd month~~~ ^_^

我的残忍，永远都输给你的痴心。

你的不忍，永远都输给我的执著。

但是我们，永远都输给现实、命运。

I guess if the time is correct, in a few hours time it will marked a first year in this date..

I am still wide awake, not sure waiting for what but I know not waiting for the time to strike, because I also just realized it not long ago,

that is why I came blogging instead of watching my shows..

I didnt brought out my diary, just rely on my weak memory to recall the scene one year ago,

really March became to the month that I recorded so much stuff, silly stuff..

Jessica taught me something very long ago, dun need to write every single thing on blog because the outcome will not be what you want..

YEAH, I know..

I tried it once and the result really hurt me like hell..

Actually, I am not the one that let it go, it was I have no other choice but stop thinking of it..

Get over??

I guess I did it, but it marked a symbol in my heart,

get rid of it??

How I hope it can be done without a single word said, but too bad it is not granted..

=DDDDDD

I am still sober enough to know I shouldnt be thinking all these,

it is freaking true that when you determined to do something, it must be done in silent,

I guess I am right now in such situation..

Because I decided to shut my mouth up before everything is finalized..

Not going to talk or hint anything about it..

I am being asked not just once, but times that even I will think it had become part of me,

"is there any possibility that you going to restart your life?"

I guess so, NO should be I am looking for one..

When will it be found, not sure yet..

=DDDD

I must forget first before stepping forward, though I feel reluctant in moving on but I feel even more tired or holding on..

No ending point till I meet the worst, but ending point is looking for when I released all my troubles..

It might just hurt a little comparing to the deeper pain after all, therefore endure through this little hurt, future might be better..

女孩已经不会再把男孩挂在嘴边了，

因为那并不会改变任何实事。

她只希望老天赋予她再说一次的勇气，

最后一次，女孩好想不顾旁人，好好地再爱一次。

I couldnt find it, I lost it..

Just like how I lost to destiny, bow to my destiny, plead for a tiny little wish..

Devil didnt grant me, because I still wandering around aimlessly..

Please, let it belongs to me and I promise to do whatever you said..

It is just a minor wish I hoped for more than six years, but miracle didnt happen, not even once..

“你不爱我了！”

“我说过吗？”

“你的一切都在告诉我，不爱了！”

I am shivering even though the fan isnt on, with the door and windows closed, unconsciously I just feel cold..

Tonight, seems to wake myself up without realization, it is so easy but yet profound..

I dislike such feelings captured into my heart, couldnt all be simpler??

Finished reading my horoscope related novel, gotten a thought from it..

Everything as per normal, and should be return back to square one..

I think this will be the best way, ever since I started working on it, when I started to believe, when I started to realise how important will it be,

I know all come in vain till the end..

THANKS,

March became the month that make me decide so many things, plan for future..

Despite I am still taking one step and plan for a step, but I guess I know what should be better for me now..

What is wrong, what is right,

I am old enough to differentiate and make the correct choice..

白羊座的人，

面对爱情都会永不放弃、奋战到底。

前提却是，

对方一定要对你也有一丝的感觉，否则执着只是伤人罢了！

所以，我失败了！不是输给自己，而是输给对方。。。

It is gonna be a non-stop story, I hate it but I cant help..

I am still a human, doing things like a human, think like a human,

regardless how much I hate it, no choice, no way to escape..

*if it appear in front of me, maybe I can still believe*

醒悟了。
在这个，连我都开始怀疑的时间点上，回应我的就是这两个字，‘醒悟’。
不知道自己是否能做到如此，可是我已经学会了‘放弃’。
为什么我要让那故事抓着不放呢？
我还没这个资格，忘记曾经的伤害，我还没受到应有的下场，所以不该往前行走。

我是个活在回忆里的女人。
或许，只能活在回忆里。
时间并不是最好的良药，相反的它让我意识到自己是多么的愚蠢！
勉强自己接受一段不属于自己的恋情，好累、好辛苦。
回忆，虽然残忍不堪，可是它却能让我成长。
现实，其实甜美梦幻，可是它却能让我不再是自己。

那一场噩梦陪伴了我如此久远，我放不下，可能我已经被它吞噬了。
我不要在现实中苏醒，所以我选择了活在回忆了。
或许在那儿，我才能真正地微笑，没有烦恼地微笑。
因为，有人在那儿挥着手，等着我，而且已经等了很久、很久了。

我从来不觉得自己是个轻言放弃的人，
这回不得不对此低声下气了。
害怕、恐惧，让我连自己都能愿意放弃，
只因为我玩不下去了。

眼里，心里，脑海里，没有一处是空白的。
可是，依然不能单靠我一人而走下去，所以我宁可认输，认命。
当我不再相信，我只是在折磨自己罢了。
但是，我愿意背负如此的伤害，反正我也已经不能回头了。

千言万语，道不言尽不语。

至死不渝，忘不了忆不景。

轻言放弃，私不心逼不得。

禮物 - 劉力揚

終於可以在今天劃上句點
一整夜　翻閱過去畫面
快想不起我們為何會訣別
只看到那雙你送的鞋

走一步又一步　我才發現繞了個圈
走了好幾年　又回到原點

＊你送的禮物　會不會太特別
毫不避諱　那不安的傳言
但漸行漸遠　習慣到沒感覺
難道你早想要我走遠

＃你送的禮物　在此刻好體貼
陪我回憶　把過往走一遍
穿了這些年　難免會有污點
就像每段愛　總會有終點

世上最殘酷的　恐怕是時間
困住人　一切卻還向前
乾涸的眼再擠不出一點鹹
愛到如此可悲的境界

走一步又一步　卻跟不上你的腳步
你滿意了　為什麼我卻只想要哭

你說做自己吧　我們都做回自己　哦
不要再為愛受委屈

你送的禮物　原來是一場劫
終於分別　宿命一樣準確
可笑到想要　你賠給我時間
愛情有時廉價得可憐

光著腳我一路奔跑　鮮血淚水一路狂飆
收起我的驕傲　承認曾經備受煎熬
鞋上那記號　只有你能明瞭
過了這一夜　我就全忘掉

Sometime, it just seems hard to maintain the balance in between people,

despite how well the situation is kept, just a slight attack it break the faith, why??

Because everyone cared, and even lost the ability to differentiate what is the best way, therefore they intend to escape, afraid of getting hurt..

Poor human being, such fragile and must handle with care object..

How does it feel by bottled everything in heart and never release it no matter how hurtful it is??

Comparing with people whom are less fortunate than us, we must learn to be grateful and contented..

To be frank, how many people can really did it??

Just trying hard to do it, but not done yet..

写好一段爱情故事和谈一场爱情是两码子事。

我能写出动人的故事，并不代表我能谈好一场爱情。

The novel I read finished, and after that I am filled with words and storyline in my mind, even thinking of stop writing my previous one and work on a new story..

But ended up, I must continue writing the first one, because I dun bear to give up it..

=DDDDD

“别说，那一段太伤了。”

“这就是你最太的问题，一直反复地说着、想着，这样你要如何往前呢？”

Going to meet YQ later, and he is now searching for the pooh bear I yearn for six years,

every year near to April, he will be doing it but in the end everything done is in vain because the pooh bear we are searching for has nowhere to be found..

Time flies really fast, I am still reminiscing about last year, here comes a new start..

But this year, the pain pierce deeper and harder in my heart..

“不要以为是你连累了我们，因为我们从来不这么想。”

“那时因为你们心疼我，不愿告诉我事情的真相。”

会不会，在我昏倒前，‘你’还一息尚存地等着我呢？

所以，我才会反复地梦到‘你’，越是靠近那一天，感觉越是强烈。

如果当时我没看上那只小熊，如果那天我没被复合的情绪给蒙蔽，如果那天我能更快地到达医院，是不是一切都不会发生了？？

后悔- 在事情发生后，有了悔过之心

遗憾-当遗失了重要的人、事、物后，才感受到心里的震撼

所以，后悔能弥补，遗憾却成了心口的一处缺。。。

Advance celebration for my dear SISTER of course is my LAOPO, JESSICA~~~

=DDDDDD

I made a box of sushi for our picnic at Marina Barrage, OK it was a success try,

I am gonna try again next time, using the right rice.. =DDDD

After picnic, went to have dinner at Jurong Point because wanna make the DIY cake for Jessica, and I finally can sing my KBOX~~~~

HAHAHHAHAHHA..

But the handsome guy no longer work there, *sob*

and KBOX changed it new opreating system and can even hang in between our singing session,

therefore we missed more than 15mins of singing time..

XIUJING, next time we organise to MARINA BARRAGE too..

It is freaking fun, just sit there chit chat also nice atmosphere..

Find those steady one jiu hao, if not we very xin ku in organising..

Pictures TIME~~~

Soon to my turn, but how??
Last year I still hold hopes on this day, but this year no longer think it works..
And this year, I missed DAVID even more and thinks I am cursed..

06/03/2009 ~~~~~ 06/03/2010

One year passed, nothing change still remain the same like the first time we interacted..

I gave my best, no matter was it my confession or to act as though I dun care and no longer liking you, whatever should said or not to say, I didnt kept it in heart..

Does it hurt you??
I guess the answer must be YES, because I am just too stubborn..

SORRY~~~

I hate to apologize over something I did wrong, in the first place everything can choose not to be happened, but I didnt prevent it..

So, SORRY~~~

How many one year could I still record??

I am so curious over things that I couldnt get an answer either, I will rather stay silent than speaking aloud, maybe this is not my character but I know it is better for us..

Misunderstanding, arguments, hatred, guilty, sorrows, memories,

what have still left for us??

The sentence I said before really impacted me till now,

I guess you didnt forget too, or you choose not to remember??

Will be there be once, you can face me by your real heart, tell me what your heart really feels??

女孩擁有一切的勇氣，唯獨沒有能等待著男孩回頭的勇氣。她甚至在想，當所有的勇氣都被男孩搾干的時候，自己是不是才會對男孩死心？

因爲一次又一次的失敗，讓女孩一點一滴地了解到，自己的愛對男孩而言其實是种負擔。
可能沒有了她，男孩才能更放心地去追求自己想要的，毫不猶豫的。

當女孩抛棄了疼痛的真心，而換上了虛榮的面具時，她也已經決定了，不當個處處為別人着想的天使，而是躲在黑暗裏的惡魔，隨時隨地傷害別人。

這個時候，反倒是男孩開始尋找女孩的蹤影，因爲他思念著那個一路陪著他的傻瓜，可是他卻完全忘了，自己是怎麽一點點地把女孩逼上了絕路，讓女孩出賣了自己的真心換取顆冰凍的心。

曾經女孩是個傻瓜，一個爲了捍衛自己的愛情而賠上一切的傻瓜，如今眼前的女孩，她埋葬了自己的記憶，只留下惡毒的心，傷害所有對她不好的人。

If one day I choose to put down everything and leave this place, will you then realised how much this relationship hurt us??

It hurts till I am willing to give up what I most cherish to exchange a peaceful life..

What I want, is just a simple request.....

或許我應該想想這一份追逐已久的愛情，真的是我要的嗎？

一廂情願的愛情，真的能開花結果嗎？

當我自己都開始懷疑當初的判斷時，或許這就是終結了吧？

一直握著相信的我，可能真的已經走到盡頭了，

在那盡頭，我看見了我們的身影，

它正在告誡我，一切都是我捏造出來的假象，真的可以結束了。

In that cold and quiet night, a decision was made..

I vowed not to give up, but "up to you" was your reply, therefore no other choice I had to respect your decision..

We are best actors after all, we kept our true feelings and fake another 'us' in front of each other, just to maintain everything not to cross over the line anymore..

So I dislike of being someone who is defying own true heart, but no choice I must do it if not it will be another strange-like situation again..

It is hurtful, till now..

But I had to endure it, because there is no way for me to escape..

Harsh reality came after fantasy dream,

I had a great dream, and I am contented..

THANKS THANKS THANKS..

There isnt anything more I could say, because overall it just ended up with one word,

HATE!!!!!!

I am over the age of not retaliate, dun tell me what is the real meaning of FAMILY, I dun need to know from your mouth..

There are plenty of reasons that keep me back, but the main reason gone missing after your appear, no one will blame me of choosing the way, because you forced me so..

I succeed, I could also be selfish over such matters,

and when I did it, the first thing that came to my mind was, WHY SHOULD I BOTHER??

YES, I should care about my feelings rather than others, I am doing it right now..

Even if I put all my heart in, and it crushed at the end, then who cares about me??

Therefore, dun blame me of being such selfish, because you forced me..

YQ said something really pierce into my heart,

“曾經的妳就算面對再大的事情，也不曾聼妳說要離開，爲什麽現在動不動就談起這件事？”

YEAH, why is it so different now??

Really age matter or I am just taking it as an excuse??

Till the end, who is the one that trigger me to make such decision??

I am confused too..

I guess, sooner or later is my turn to think of running away from home,

then that YQ told me, if I going to his house he gonna drag me back without letting me stay overnight there..

I know, he cared..

Who says, kinship couldnt be break off while relationship can be break off by some excuses??

In my situation, I dun think kinship can follow me that far..

當每個人以爲‘家’是可以讓心休息的避風港，

我卻不知道自己爲什麽要‘回家’。

不要一竿子打翻一船人，

我想唯一聯係我和‘家人’的關係，

就是我們流著同樣的‘血’。

或許，我太悲觀了，

可是沒有人不為自己着想的。。。

Tomorrow will be the day, 365th day..

I guess only I remembered, and I just realised one thing,

you will never forget the day, the number..

And, it do hurt me..

“我想不要了！”

“妳不會這樣的，小事還能狠心，大事妳就不會了。”

TRUE enough, because I am still not cruel enough so I gonna suffer without any help..

YQ said, if one day I choose to leave everything alone that will be the day I become another DAPHNE but he guess no one will like this DAPHNE, because she is too heartless..

Really almost breakdown, while I choose to stay alone without any accompany despite I know all friends are worried over me, but still ignore them..

By the time I returned to them, I am the happy and crazy DAPHNE, but that is not real..

YQ told me before, if one day I really very tired over my life already can tell him, cause he will come and pick me up..

Nowadays, I must say I seriously thinking about this..

I thought my answer already very clear, NO means NO,

but really couldnt let the words take over my mind so early, cause there is always changes and now it happened on me..

It is so strange, how can I think of it so easily when the decision involved other more factors??

Please tell me that I am an evil woman, NO should be jinx!!!!

One day, when I harm everyone then I will realised how bad am I..

Even YQ didnt know that, I missed the chance to say the most important thing..

Lots and lots of things happened,

I felt lost, painful, tired..

But there is no one that can give me an answer, can I run away??

"GIVE UP" shouldnt belongs to me, because that dun fit my character,

however when my character brought me all such of troubles, why couldnt I defy it for once??

Human is selfish, I always said so but I couldnt do till such extent..

Because there is no way for me to do so, when I treat everything so important to me,

but others wont think the same as me, this must be the most hurting part,

when there is no balance in between..

Something might not need return, but just a slight appreciation will do..

People even stingy over giving an appreciation..

成熟的代價或許就是更多的煩惱吧？

即使擁有了高超的理智，到最後還是輸給了一個‘心’字。

蛻變成了大人，失去了任性的勇氣而獲得了成熟，那是否是件好事呢？

或許自己不該在那麽小時就懂那麽多事，

當同年的朋友都還是情竇初開時，已經知道什麽是‘放棄’的我，付出了慘痛的代價。

那段抹不去，躲不掉的記憶，造就了如此個性的我。

但是，讓我最不解的是爲什麽自己無法改掉這樣的‘性格’呢？

可能是我沒有勇氣吧。。。

*I cried, but soon to act again*