The last day of 2011

I am still single, I am still awaiting for a person, I am still wandering.

No matter how many wishes I made, no matter how much tears I shed, no matter how much pain I suffered, when it come to a decision I am always not in it.

I did a lot in 2011,

I tried too hard in 2011,

I fell too much in 2011,

but I grumble less in 2011,

but I waver less in 2011,

but I cry less in 2011,

so how's my 2011?

The tradition continues, but my stubborness follows too.

I really wonder how can the person tolerate so much about my character?

And why didn't the person manage to reveal his true feelings?

Or rather is it my mistake?

It is the fourth year after an hour,

but I am taking too long to realize it.

It is the third year after an hour,

but I am thinking over it again.

It is the second year after an hour,

but I am reluctant to admit it.

It is the first year after an hour,

but I am uncertain for it.

I don't expect much in 2012, since my wish fulfilled for 2011.

I will just wish for a little and let the nature take it course.

I know, that person shouldn't be in my dictionary anymore.

I can figure it out now before everything is wrong again.

A BRAND NEW YEAR BEGINS~

Mr. Nod guy,
I hope you will be fine and happy. :)

又回到最初的起點
記憶中妳青澀的臉
我們終於來到了這一天
桌墊下的老照片無數回憶連結
今天男孩要赴女孩最後的約

又回到最初的起點
呆呆地站在鏡子前
笨拙繫上紅色領帶的結
將頭髮梳成大人模樣
穿上一身帥氣西裝
等會兒見妳一定比想像美好

想再回到那些年的時光
回到教室座位前後　
故意討妳溫柔的罵
黑板上排列組合　
妳捨得解開嗎
誰與誰坐他又愛著她

那些年錯過的大雨
那些年錯過的愛情
好想擁抱妳　
擁抱錯過的勇氣

曾經想征服全世界
到最後回首才發現
這世界滴滴點點全部都是妳

那些年錯過的大雨
那些年錯過的愛情
好想告訴妳　告訴妳我沒有忘記

那天晚上滿天星星
平行時空下的約定
再一次相遇我會緊緊抱著妳
緊緊抱著妳

10 Years

17/11/2011

10 years

I bet none of us willing to rake this date up right now, since we are far apart each other in the situation now.

I think, it will be better we just put everything deep in heart and stop probing over it anymore.

I.... am trying my best to change it, hoping that I did changed some.

I said, everyone will leave my side.

I always know what will happen, and always spotted on.

I.... never failed to feel alone.

This ain't a day for us to shed, it is a day to cheers for our friendship.

So I can have a ten-years, something that even I found it unbelieveable.

Then, will I have another ten-years ahead?

How long more will it reach that ten-years?

How much more must I put in for that ten-years?

How deep should I go to fulfil that ten-years?

I try, tried, trying.

I cry, cried, crying.

I run, ran, running.

But as usual, none pull me back, none accompany me, none understand me.

Therefore, I kept it to myself.

I kept everything in my heart.

So that no one can hurt me or heal me.

It is the first tenth!

I hope the second tenth will not be alone. =)

HAPPY TENTH ANNIVERSARY~

Mr.Nod guy,
it has been some time since I last mentioned you, but still so what or not I mentioned? Because you won't get a chance to see it.
I miss you almost every moment, but you didn't seems to know or rather, I didn't want you to know.
I have been trying, as always.
If you can know, please praise me. Because I can already got you out of my dictionary whenever people asked if I like anyone.
I knew very well, no matter how much I changed, how hard I tried, you will never change, so I decided to change me.
I will try not to love you anymore.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY~~~

Not that we didn't keep in contact, not that we didn't know each other enough, not that we didn't feel the sadness.

But still, what had past really past.

I know I promised you that I will be happy,

but as what I told you, sorry I really can't make it.

I have been trying my best to refrain, nevertheless did I try to cross over again.

However, to what you understand me, it is really hard to get over.

No matter what, when the time strike 12am in your clock I sent the mail over,

whatever I want to tell you is in the mail. :)

I am living my life great, you know I seldom complain over it.

But one thing I wanted to wish,

I don't want anything to spolit my plan.

Every year, we will buy each other a present.

This year, I bought you a watch and I bought myself a diary on your behalf.

When you are looking at my time I am actually writing down my life, I hope the next time we give each other the present, will be the time I start over again.

Then I will give you my diary to keep it for me.

我会幸福的！

因为，我还没有绝望。

而你，不要绝望！

因为，你还没有幸福。

I remember telling myself: "he seriously don't know how you feel, because if he does, he will know how to treat you better." But the fact is: "hey! Wake this up! It's because he knew everything, that's why he keep a distance from you."

So, a angel-devil match started. No one gives me an answer. And surprisingly, I just spilt the beans like this. Without any warning, without any signs or symptoms.

I remembered how he protected me in the movie, I remembered the first trembling act while sleeping beside him, I remembered the piano piece he played for me, I remembered my every confession and his rejection, I remembered how he got angry over the smoking together issue, I remembered how upset am I after his rejection, I remembered writing our story down every single day, I remembered the feeling when walking passed those places where we once been, I remembered seeing he and his ex appearing in front of me and asked for my help, I remembered almost accepted another man to forget him, I remembered.........

I guess, I remembered too much. And all these, became 'past-tense'. I used him as my vow, that's why I got to face it. Despite he is the vow, I doubt we have any chance of being together. Even if the two years' date approach, I am still one-sided feeling. I don't belong to him, neither am I in his world. My strong-willed turned useless when I known him. I still overcoming it, maybe I won't listen but at least I knew I am working on it. It is not that I love him a lot, is because I can't find another one. So.. I am only allowed to love him.

-----------another one in the diary------------

GREAT SHOW!
新还珠格格

I never tried to take China guy as my idol, but this guy really attracted my attention and I spent my time just to watch the show. =DDD
永琪和小燕子~~~

The story-line made me thought of the two-years promise,
despite it is a promise I made with myself, but I knew the outcome even before the thought appeared.



I am working hard, always did.

So please, grant me.

I won't want my vow to be broken.

Mr. Nod guy,

I have been telling and warning myself it is really time to say goodbye, but nevertheless I just couldn't convince myself of doing so.

It is simply that special till I actually thinking over and over it non-stop, till I realised whatever I did will never change your mind, I should feel sorry for myself.

Instead, I should really feel sorry.

Time passed fast.

It is the third year after my confession, and it had been two months since we last seen.

How do you feel when knowing the new relationship?

I hope similar thing can happen on me too.

However, it seems hard.

I just hope to change my life so that I won't make myself difficult,

but now I am just waiting, or rather always waiting.

Waiting for a chance to start over again.

July 22nd, the fourth.

All thanks to your friends, I hardly able to forget the day, or rather I dun want myself to realise that the day drawing near.
I know it ain't you the one who asked them to do so, they are just unconvinced that we were apart, they just hope for a miracle.
Never realized that we couldn't be like how we were four years back,
I guess even you knew it long ago.

You told me, there is always a position for me beside you.
but do you know I am so afraid to be by someone side now?
I am confused too.
Why must I doubt myself?
Funny eh?!

差一点我们可能就会步入红毯，
差一点我们可能就会白头到老，
差一点我们可能就会幸福快乐，
全部。。。都是差一点

我很少落泪，
因为我觉得眼泪不能化解我心里的痛。
我很少悲伤，
因为我觉得伤心似乎不适合我的个性。
我很少诉苦，
因为我觉得自己的伤悲不需要被知道。

但是，
原来我只是找不到。
我也好像，无力寻找了。

有你的四年，我被你保护着。
没有你的四年，我得学会保护自己。
被你爱着的九年，我更明白爱情。
抛弃你的爱的九年，我忘记了爱情的感觉。

我没有了你，所以更要懂得欢乐。

HAPPY 4TH ANNIVERSARY~~

I remembered when the clock striked 12 on this date,
last year I used another guy trying to forget your presence.
And so this year, I got myself alone.
No one here to tell me what is the right choice, only left myself to choose the path.
So was it the right path? I am lost too.

I guess I didnt disappoint you,
since you and me chosen not to be a whole stranger situation, therefore I am working hard towards our target.
I know it gonna be tough for me indeed, however I rather put in the effort in trying than facing the facts that I am out of your world.

At least before I give up anything, I know I should refrain.
If not, things will go haywire.
The promise, I kept inside my heart and locked it up.
I just uncertain if I am able to do so, because if I used three years to love you, I should be using three years to forget you.
However, the fact is I can only keep saying and not really doing it.

It is not the first I dreamt of you,
but after so long till this dream came,
does it own a meaning??
Or just simply pity me??

Three years aint short, of course not that long too.
It able to change lots of things, but can it really change the heart?
Instead, I am using myself to prove this saying.
Prove to myself that my true love trampled by a guy I loved,
but he did gave me smile, it was just that my saddness were more than happiness.

The sky I have been looking at, intend to drifting apart from me.
I unable to hold it tight, because the tighter I hold onto, the more it wanted to escape.
I might be rational, but aint hard hearted.

So it finally announced that I had graduated from RP, a school where I had been in three years, a place where changed me from a little girl to a young lady, a corner where I found my friends, a path which I see myself clearer and understand myself better.

In RP, I known people who walked in and out of my life, I recognized those who will stay, and for those who do not stayed behind, I am still grateful of meeting you.
I am already pursuing my dream I have ever since young,
but nevertheless after studying in RP, I intend to think of applying my knowledge or maybe familiar stuffs on the same field. However, I couldn't make it.
Just like I couldn't make it for NIE neither will I able to make it for SIM - Environmental Studies

Today, when I am sitting on the seat of graduand, I suddenly thinking of the first time I stepped into RP, the first day of school, the first person I met, the first crush I had, the first tear I shed, the first joy I gained, the first obstacle I faced, the first thing I learnt. Everything all FIRST, but in that moment I finally realized, everything had came to an end.

No more FIRST, only CONTINUE.

I am always a step further than you, or rather I always make myself step further away from you, so that I wont make any mistakes again, and so I wont feel any pain anymore.
I am working hard on it, just like what you wanted me to do so. Despite giving up ain't in my dictionary, unless I call the shots. Now, I guess I am ready to say "bye" firmly and without any hesitation.

I let my happiness fly, because if I can't find a reason to make myself feel happy of, I dun think I can hold any happiness.
It is either too difficult or too simple.
In my world, YES is YES, NO is NO
There shouldn't be something dangling over, waver my heart, change my mind.




Mr.Nod guy,
now I know it isn't I changed, neither did you changed me,
I am always like this. None able to change me, unless I take the move.
I await for a relationship, but awaiting a person whom understand me well is hard. Because I intend to lost control of myself too.
All the hardship finally came to an end, even though I know you won't be reading it but I still must say the last time.
I felt the pain every moment I look at you, but the pain indeed reduce much now, so I concluded I am doing well in forgetting everything.
:D

15th April 2011
My 21st,
no grand celebration only went to meet Jessica darling.. =D

Thanks to your friends, whom came to fetch me out for supper,
thanks to your email, which allowed me to stop thinking too much,
thanks to the postage, that made me knew I am not forgotten..

Jordan didnt even give me a message or greeting on FB,
Sikai didnt do anything too..
HAH! Must I always get affected by guys??
Or will I always hold back by guys??

So, even I keep telling myself that I am able to wait,
when reality strike me down, I still got face it..

I took my dream and relationship on risk,
I vowed..
So please grant me, never take anything away.. Seven years ago, you took away someone, seven years later, please dun..

1st of April 2011

Because if I have a chance, I always want time return back to that year, with all of you beside me.. These few days I am thinking, maybe it was because the first person left me so there will be second one then third one.. Which left me with no choice and stay alone..

I promised I wont blame myself over the incident anymore, but everytime I will think that I bring bad luck to others.. First was David, then Calvin followed by Yi Qiang now?? I bring troubles to Jessica's family and also my family, I am really a jinx no matter what should be the way I try to convince myself I am not one!

So April started, which makes 2011 four months lesser.. How should I feel turning 21?? I guess nothing changed, because I am still that rational, that logical.. Of course, the age of 21 shouldnt be any childish, at the same time I do lack of the courage..

I told myself, why will I decided to plan a celebration and invite him when he dun even has any idea when is my birthday?? So I dun want a celebration.. Or maybe I dun need a celebration..

This post I wanted to reminisces the past, when I first known David and Calvin's birthday is on April Fool, when my birthday was the day of David's death, when I cant find the present I thinking of the past few years, when........ there is no one by my side anymore..

每年，我都特别感伤。

今年，我却特别痛苦。

以后，我会怎样呢？

9th March 2011

When everyone is talking about their 21st birthday, my dearest darling spending her time in the hospital,

but I know, angels will be there to celebrate her birthday for her..

Because she is working very well and hard for everything,

each breath is an earn, and she made it, all by herself..

Darling, you have been so strong and brave..

We been through so much together, I understand you better than others, I know your character too,

never give up and admit defeat always exist in our dictionary,

this time I got influenced by you,

you fought the battle all by yourself, I guess it marks another meaningful issue in your life story and also to me..

I should have convince myself earlier,

I should have know that waiting hurt myself,

I should have realized, everything is too late,

I should have...... say GOODBYE earlier..

Darling, you gave up everything to exchange your health..

It is probably my turn to give up something to return the vow,

because, I rather grab you than insist on the person whom dun belongs to me..

Mr.Nod guy,
bye..
I will keep everything deep inside my heart from now, even though I know it wont happen but if there is any mircale that strike it to happen, I guess the answer will not change..
You are the reason I rejected each one, but you arent the person that will hold me tightly,
I am just not ready for another one..
The last time I shed my tears was on 31st December 2010,
when I walked along the path, when I lost the bet, when I woke up my senses, when I vowed..
I hope, the next time I saw my tears it is not for you..
Bye, Mr.Nod guy..
You know who am I, but I changed because you knew it..

原来，真正会在对方面前，

又哭又笑的，那人才是最能给你心安的感觉。

我。。。曾经有过这样一个人，

但我失去他了。

仿佛我们的相遇，就是注定分开般，

所以，我才会毫无顾忌地爱上一个认识不久又不曾把我放在心上的人，

只因为，我知道我和那注定分开的人，不会有结果。

王子，我高攀不起

骑士，我执著不了

平民，我坚持不懈

伤痕累累，千疮百孔，

依然走不出那个有你名字的世界，

我努力地爬，努力地停止回忆，

但。。。一切都是徒然！

是你的，躲不掉，

不是你的，强求不来，

而回忆，却也是唯一，人们希望不是自己的，但它却扎扎实实地属于你！

So I changed a phone, while all the messages aren't with me, but dunno why it didn't hurt me that badly like the previous time..
I never intend to copy each message down, I never cry for the lost of messages, I never think of the feelings of lost..
I swore to exchange, so I trying my best to do so,
but it seems that I am still not working hard enough..

So my brother returned,
I keep looking for a job but no outcome,
as if I need to forsake uni in order to get a job..
I really thought I am fortunate or lucky enough,
but when it comes to this, I lost my words for it..


OK!
I actually blog because need to update blog,
the older I am, the lesser things I can write on blog..
Working on Jessica's present, trying hard to look for job, controlling my temper at home..
Life isn't leading that normal anymore..

Soon, it gonna marks the end of my Poly life..
So, three years passed..
With laughter, tears, anger, excitement,
finally gonna say "GOOD-BYE" to RP..

The first class I had when I stepped into RP - W25F
and also the best clique I have in RP..
With Xiujing baobei, Krystl girlfriend, Sikai jiemei, Jun neighbour, Dom and Julin khakis,
I spent lots of time with them, in this three years they are those that create beautiful and memorable times in my memories..
I LOVE THEM!!!
Another person - JAMIE CHEN!!!
I LOVE HER TOO!!!

Xiujing Baobei,
wasn't able to be close with her during the times however when the both of us were together, telepathy appeared, magically..
I think there are certain unknown threads within us that pulled us together,
after the semester, we got closer and closer to each other, magically..
The more we be together, the more closer we are,
our topics never stop, our craziness never end, our relationship never fade, magically..
You know my character very well, you never hide things from me, you helped me a lot,
without you I guess I can't live my poly life that happily, magically..
YOU ARE THE MAGIC IN MY LIFE!!! <3

Sikai jiemei,
from eye candy became secret admirer turned to be the only guy I loved in my three years of poly life and now, JIEMEI..
Even though I once thought that I gonna hate him for making me so upset, but I know that the both of us just dun meant to be together..
We are better to be friends, that was why I woke up and move on.. =D
But still,
YOU WERE ONCE THE ONLY IN MY HEART.. <3

No matter what, I will make the efforts to keep everyone in contact because you guys are really very important to me..
So I want everybody to stay together, as long as possible.. =DDD

天下没有不散的宴席

但，如果每天都摆席那不就不会散了吗？

^_^

CNY 2011, finally come to the end, at least for those home visit..

=DDD

Let the pictures speak the words..

Actually there are more, lazy to upload all, so ya.. =P

DAMN THE PHOBIA!!!

Even though my main reason is I have no feelings against him,

but till now I still couldnt get myself over to start anew,

not really because of Mr.Nod guy, ever since I made up my decision,

however..

Somehow he changed me into like this..

I dun trust about "relationship",

I cant get myself to accept a guy that loved me instead of me loving him, not even having any touched feelings..

At least if I can develop some feelings then I wont feel bad for the guy,

but the worst part is, NO chemistry spank the tension..

If I will to accept a guy whom loved me, in the first place I wont be here Singapore, I will be far away at Vancouver already..

Nine years arent short, another year it make up 10 years,

but I cant persevere, I changed heart, I bear the consequences..

I dun blame anyone, because I know it isnt something to be regretted,

because.. I know myself well..

If I chosen the path myself, I will bear all the responsibilities..

I dun need any help, it will only show my weakness..

What I need, is just support or beliefs..

It will make me firmer and braver to fight against all the negative thoughts,

then I will win the battle..

真爱之路，从不平顺

我。。。依然寻找着。。。真爱

SO when memories flashed back, I got myself into hell again..

I wrote a lot in diaries, and when reading those entries I guess it's really hard..

Have I did anything wrong??

Just this minor request/hope, but is not even granted..

I hope I chosen the right choice this time round,

I live up for my swear, so dun let me down..

This time, I add one more swear..

Dun snatch my friends away from me, I need them,

I cherish the friendship so please dun make me suffer..

Hey,

I never shed a tear ever since the day I made this decision,

shouldnt I at least cry for a night prove that I loved him??

But sad to say, I didnt feel the pain,

never see my tears, never see my smile, never see my stubborness..

The pharse just keep wandering around my mind,

cant believe that time passed two years already, while I think back the scene, the memories, the person, the rejection..

How hurt can it be??

I guess, it dun hurt now..

It is not enough,

always always not enough..

When it comes to him, I often lose..

And then, the term always appear only this time become firmer and I hope it will last till the end..

I rather be less lucky,

always got the wrong person to fall for me,

and then I will hurt them like how he hurt me,

but I know, it is just my character..

我不畏惧爱情

只是害怕恋爱

深怕恋爱碰到错的人

爱情带来的伤害

理智和愚蠢

我都有了

15th January 2011,

the first 15th January at 2009, a guy put me in his heart but I got a tarnished name and thinking back about the person in my heart..

The second 15th January at 2010, we quarrelled over the same old topic, but you made our relationship firmer, had a good memories kept..

The third 15th January at 2011, you are gone, I am alone, and the guy invited me once again, but I rejected this time..

Tan Yi Qiang,

how are you??

Must be living "well"??

I am leading my life good, I didnt think about him much even though not sure if I still like him or not, but I am still doing well.. =DD

Me, Jessica, Jordan

I really thought we wont like "seperate", but I think now I can only say the bond arent strong now..

I get agitated easily over Jordan, his every negative thought makes me think that he dun fit to think negatively,

the first pharse that come to my mind normally is: "WTF!!??"

To taste the pain of love,

to learn the experience of relationship,

to give the chances of secure..

How much can I still do??

Mr.Nod guy,
life isnt by our way, I know confidence aint working well on you therefore I choose to forsake my confidence and courage, because since neither this can change your mind..
I wondered once, if the words were real but of course those words were real at that moment, but I didnt get a chance to continue what were able to carry on..
Now, I did well..
You did well too..
If not, I seriously aint able to make this decision and doing well..
Thanks, I will work hard to acheive the outcome we both yearn..

FYP finally come to an END~~~~

Thanks everyone that involved in this project,

BAOBEIs~~~~~

So it finally marks the last fourth week in RP,

today I feel the nostagic when taking pictures,

I really hope to be with all FRIENDs always always~~~

=DDDD

I am still not strong or courageous enough to be alone at Pasir Ris park,

the only thing I did well was I came home and countdown with my family instead,

I never know it is so dark at that pathway, I never know it is so cold at that time,

I really thought I can bring myself over to there, but indeed no..

So this is how it should feels??

After decided to put down everything, felt that nothing stucked within my heart felt relieved,

therefore, I did the good move??

After 3 years, after the time I step closer to you, after I finally feel tired,

I made this decision..

2009,

should had make up my mind at that time, shouldnt have continue, insisted on my sentence,

after all I am the only that remember it..

2010,

I kept the feelings clear, wishing or praying over the same wish,

but still... never granted..

Then now 2011,

I chose to stop everything here,

I really put all my efforts, really love you as much as I can, really waited as long as I can,

but the answer also following me for the past two years,

so it is time for me to wake up my senses..

Xiujing said, if only I can forget,

but she forgotten, my dearest friend changed me alot..

My friend made me realized that,

life is unpredictable..

Whatever we wished might not come true, always get wrong at the final lap,

then I should be more realistic..

It is painful,

but if I continue it will hurt more..

It is tearful,

but if I continue it will tears more..

It is beautiful,

but if I continue it will turn different..

So..... I give up

我输了，你赢了

我输给你，而你赢了我

我不相信爱情会再回到我身边，

因为现在的我，视爱情为奇迹。

但这奇迹，我选择拿来换我朋友的健康，

至于我，等待一个爱我的人来找寻我。